How to Order a Pizza

• Use CB lingo where applicable.
• Answer their questions with questions.
• Ask, "If I don't eat it all, can I return the unused portion for credit?"
• Ask if the driver really carries less than $20 in change. When they confirm this, act disappointed and say, "Ok, well could you send two drivers?"
• Tell them you would like to see a copy of their restaurant inspection report.
• Ask them what toppings are best for someone who's constipated.
• Stop them in mid-sentence and tell them you'll call back after they've learned a little respect.
• When they ask where to deliver it, give them their address. Insist it's your address.
• As they start to repeat the order, say, "Oh wait just a second. I suppose I should get this on tape."
• Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
• Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
• Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
• Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
• Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
• Make a list of exotic cuisine. Order them as toppings.
• Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
• Rent a pizza.
• Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
• Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
• Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
• Imitate the order taker's voice.
• Eliminate verbs from your speech.
• Play sitar in the background.
• Ask to see a menu.
• Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
• Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
• Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
• If the order taker suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
• Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1. And. . . . action!"
• When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time!"
• Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza.".
• When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
• Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
• If they answer the phone with their name, immediately use an obviously fake voice. Somewhere during the call, laugh and revert to your real voice. Say, "Geez, (Mike) you really don't know who this is do you? I'm only in town for a few hours, but wanted to say, "hi." See if you can get away for a few minutes, I'll be by right away." Hang up.
• When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
• When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
• Order a one-inch pizza.
• Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
• Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
• Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If the order taker says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
• Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
• Order a steamed pizza.
• Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

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